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The Perineal Massage..

My wife is approaching her 37th week of pregnancy.  Apparently, in your 37th week you are supposed to begin massaging your perineum.  "What's a perineum", you asked as so did i?  The perineum is basically the taint.  "Ahhhh.. ok.  I get it.  But massage it??", is what i asked.  Yes, massaging it helps with the pain when the baby crowns during childbirth.  "So just rub it or sumthin?" (in Chip Chipperson voice .. Opie and Anthony fans anyone??)  Not quite.. 

Here are the instructions on how to successfully massage your perineum: 

Week 37 Pregnancy Tip: Perineal Massage

Anxiously waiting for the big day to arrive? Don't just sit there — massage your perineum! (Say what? Trust me, there's good reason for this piece of advice.) Perineal massage may help to gently stretch your perineum (that area of skin between your vagina and rectum), which in turn can minimize the "stinging" that occurs when a baby's head crowns during childbirth. It may also help you avoid an episiotomy and tearing. Here's how to massage your way to a looser (and easier, if you’re lucky) delivery: First make sure your hands (or your spouse's, if he'll be taking on the task) are clean and your nails are trimmed. Next, lubricate your thumbs (here's where the K-Y jelly can come in handy — literally — again) and put them inside your vagina. Press down (toward your rectum) and slide your thumbs across the bottom and sides of your perineum, pulling gently outward (and forward) on the lower part of the vagina with your thumbs hooked inside. This helps stretch the skin in the same way your baby’s head will during birth. You can do this daily until D-day (and you can even continue the good work — or have your practitioner take over — during labor itself!)…or not at all if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Hmm.. I may not be the sharpest hammer in the tool box but this sounds to me like pure masterbation!  Is just an excuse to masterbate?   Christ on a pony, i can see it now.  I walk into the bedroom to my wife masterbating.  I say "WTF!" and she says "no worries Dan", in a sultry, pleasing way, "I'm just massaging my perineal as she is panting and sweating".  "Ahhhhhhh ok", i say as i walk out the room to go massage my perineal in the bathroom.  

Am i to help my wife do this??  OR MY WIFE'S PRACTIONER! WTF!!??   For those who have read my "internal ultrasound" blog post then you will know that Enrique Englesias can NOT perform perineal massages on my wife.  Im starting to think that Dr's write these rules as a way to get into our ladies pants with permission.  Just throwing that out there. You can pick it up and catch it if you want. 

What's next:  Week 38 - Clitoral Stimulation by your DR??  Sheesh, 3 more weeks and this baby is here.  Im tired!

When people ask me what i did this weekend, i will tell them I massaged my wife's perineal.  It was a great weekend and they will nod in approval.  Cant wait! 

 Check out my Trial and Tribulations of a Soon-to-be-Father blogs.. 


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