|There IS a handbook!|
The class was nice. It was definitely intuitive and it made us aware of things we didn't know, such as, my wife needs to use a booster seat when we are in the car and babies have a suck reflex that requires them to try to suck anything you put by their mouth. Apparently, kids have to be in booster seats up until they are 4 foot 9. For personal and marriage commitment reasons, i will not share my wife's height. However, i will say this, it will be very very funny when both mom and daughter have to be in booster seats while good ol dad drives the "kids" around.
We arrived at the hospital surprisingly on time, 12 on the dot, and made our way to where we needed to be. We shared an elevator with another pregnant couple who, of course, would be spending the next 3 hours with us. Of course, i said something stupid. Instead of the usual, "hows that weather outside", I was more relevant and said "Looks like we are all pregnant huh.". I dont know why i do these things. Apparently it is my other personality called "Attention" (blog is coming) that likes to show his ugly face. Regardless, it got no laughs as my wife uncomfortably looked away from me and at the elevator floor number, along with the other couple. Cricket Cricket.
We get into our class and in our seats. We get a sweet spot at the back. We both joke about how we can now misbehave and make fun of people which, of course, is exactly what we did. Another couple showed up late and had to sit at our table. Booo.. The couple was boring and the girl had a 7 year old voice. It was so annoying. I can definitely say my wife and i were by far the hottest couple.
A pediatrician begins to talk. My wife immediately tells me that he is LOVED at the hospital. So i assume we are using him but she tells me no and that we went with another group. Okkaayy..
Within 10 minutes, he is already talking about shit you dont want to hear about; like SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) and a bunch of other acronyms that sound like sexually transmitted diseases. This goes on for what seemed like an hour and at one point i thought i was talking with my negative co-workers. Finally, he started to make jokes by stating that the baby loves to suck everything that touches its cheek. Its suck reflex will attempt to suck anything that you put to its mouth. I was about to laugh out loud until I realized he wasn't joking as nobody in the class was laughing. I realized at that moment that i am still a little boy inside. Perhaps, in 2 months I will finally become an adult. We shall see. I'm still laughing a little as i write this.
After some very useful tips, he then began to shamelessly plug his pediatrician group. This went on for about 10 minutes. He actually came by and gave everyone his business card. Then, showed everyone pictures of his twin babies. This guy should have won "Salesmen of the Year" as my wife quickly says to me "I'm going to switch to him".
Then, out came Ellen Degeneres. Ok, she really didn't, but if you closed your eyes when she was talking you would have sworn it was her. She was one of the nurses and the main person who runs the class. The pediatrician that spoke prior was very nice and comforting; except when he spoke about all that can go wrong with pregnancies and babies. Other than that, he was very good. This nurse was a BITCH.. but a nice bitch, if there is such a thing. She was strict and stern and didn't take any shit. Immediately, she told the class to buy this and not that and to take shit back from your shower..and so on. She definitely saved us a couple hundred bucks on items we thought we needed but now are way too scared to use.
A very strange moment for me will be when i have to change my daughter's diaper for the first time. For a man, a vagina is like a treasure chest. With a baby, its a completely different thing and it's awkward. She taught us how to clean a baby girl when changing her diaper. For all you women out there who dont know how to do this, its front and back. Hopefully its that easy. The one thing that I don't think that i will have to worry about with having a girl, however, is getting peed on. Or do I??? I know nothing about that body part. My wife's response to that statement would be "You can say that again!". HEY!
When the nurse asked "Questions?", I quickly raised my hand and asked "I can put whiskey on the baby's lips when it is crying too much, right?". Ok, i didn't ask this nor any of these:
- Is the baby's soft spot on the top of the head due to my penis hitting it when my wife and i are making love?
- So its NOT ok to put the baby in the front seat without her carseat?
- Is it ok to have my daughter circumcised?
- Is it ok if i suck on my wife's nipple while the baby sucks on the other one?
- Can we sell our breast milk to the black market..not black people but you know what i mean?
- Should i yell "NO" and put my daughters face in her diaper when she poops herself?
- Will peeing on my daughter get her to stop peeing on me when i change her?
- With the economy and all, is it ok to use a phone book as a booster seat to save money?
Any of these questions would have had my wife fired from the hospital and me locked up, so i refrained. One dork asked questions on whether he should get a nanny or daycare. Shit, why not just tell the class that you make a lot of money and get it over with already. The girl at our table took notes along with some other people in the class. We didn't even have a pen. We didn't even realize until we had to fill something out and had to shamelessly ask 7yr old voice next to us for hers. Dammm..
Jokes aside, i learned some useful things today. The class was only 50 bux and i think well worth it. I also learned, judging by the class, that my wife and I are going to be some dam cool parents! And yes..my wife did go on Facebook and checked us in. What great parents we are going to be!!!!
Coming soon "Baby Bart Chronicles - Trial and Tribulations of a New Father". For my other baby posts click here.