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My mom + Facebook = The Apocalypse

As you all know by now, the world will be ending this year at December 21, 2012.  This, of course, is because the Mayan calendar ends at this date.  Therefore, it has to be true.  When this does happen, because it will, alien scholars will look back thousands of years later to try to determine the end of the human species.  I believe, I have already found this reason and it is because of me. I am to blame for what is to happen and i will explain why...


Let's start at the beginning... 





On August 28,2011,  NJ was awaiting their first hurricane in many years.  The night before, due to the excitement of the storm, my wife and I had a very "enjoyable" evening.  This "enjoyable" evening led to "I'm pregnant" exactly 2 weeks later; the day after the 10 year anniversary of 9/11.  2 tragic events turning into 1 happy moment.  Irony or foreshadow?


4 months later, I realize that i have to start cleaning my guest/office room and turn it into our baby's room.  Having an iPad and now a new MacBook, i gave in to getting rid of my desktop as it is no longer needed and takes up space in our now cramped townhouse.   This realization folks is the beginning of the end.. 


On March 3, 2012, I officially gave in and decided that I would be the "good" son and give my old PC to my mother who, I dont think, has ever seen a computer.  Sure, she has heard of them and knows their powerful ways.  But, has she seen one?  I am not sure.  We may never know the answer to this.  


On the morning of March 10, 2012, I had a kick ass Krank workout. I came home and texted my mom.  A text message would be found thousands of years later that read something like this " I have a surprise for you.  Can i come over in a little bit?" Followed by her response "OMG.. what is it?  YES".  Yes, my mother said OMG.. a foreshadow of whats to come.  


I packed up my PC and all the necessary components and made my way to the home i grew up in Belleville, NJ.  I arrived and rang the doorbell which of course didn't work. I banged with my leg as i was holding the box which contained the computer and everything else.. it got heavy.  After 3 hard knocks and me cursing, my mom opens the door. I think she was waiting for me to have twins or something in my arms as she saw the computer and let out a "Ahhhhh" and then a "Thats the surprise?".  Little did any of us know how this moment would forever change our very existence. 


I setup up the computer in minutes and turned it on.  I tried to get onto the internet via Chrome and got the "No response" message.  This is when i should have said "Shit.  It isn't working.  Oh well, looks like you cant use the internet."  But instead i said, "Hmm.. that's weird.  Your FIOS router is connected but i cant get to the internet.  Let me call them."  At this point in history, Arnold Schwarzenegger should have kicked through the front door and made my body look like Swiss Cheese while destroying the computer that will end humanity. But he did not and here we are today. 


I called FIOS and had to talk to a computer to tell them my issue.  It's as if FIOS was telling me to hang up this phone with their confusing and terrible computer-assistant named Julie, mapping me to the wrong places in their system.  FINALLY, i got a human and I discussed the issue.  After 30 minutes of stupidity, the person was able to realize what i was talking about.  Because simply saying my internet cannot connect is not easy enough. Instead i had to restart my computer, restart my router and say 3 Hail Mary's, which of course still didnt work.  After realizing the issue; my mom didnt have internet even though she swore she did, we were up and running. 


Once we got it up and running I .. need to take a breathe.. began to show my mother the computer.  Within minutes, we were browsing the web. She was picking up but slowly.  Then i made the terrible mistake of showing her E-Mail, a decision that to this day i am not proud of.  After an hour session of emailing, she still didnt get it.  At least i thought so as i left the house, that is until i recieved a reply back from a test email we had sent together to myself.  SHIT.. MY MOTHER IS EMAILING!!!!


The next day, March 12, my brother posted the following to the facebook world:


OMG (as my mom would say) he was sooo right!!


As of now, as i type this, my mother is emailing and surfing the internet.  She is NOT on facebook yet.  But the damage is done.  The lessons have been taught as i showed her how to surf and email.  There is only a matter of time until she gets on Facebook, which she is dying to do.  


But why will my Mom joining Facebook end the world?  Funny you ask.. here is what will happen.. 


In the near future, a friend request will come in to me and many of my close friends and acquaintances.  It will say "Arlene Scannelli has friend requested you".  Immediately, she will get friends and the posting will begin. 


The posts will begin as simple things like:

  • Wow. I am on facebook. LOL
  • 6:45 AM .. ugghhh
  • Just got out of the shower :)
  • OMG.. American Idol was great!
  • I'm sooo tired.  ZZZZZ
To more advanced like:
  • My feet are killing me. I've been on them all day. I am tired.  Where should i go eat tonight?
  • My granddaughter Ava is so cute.  Look at her cute pictures.   <-- yes pictures start
  • I need a back rub. Anyone out there willing?
The more posts she does the more addicting it becomes.  Suddenly, she is getting more likes and comments. She gets a feeling she hasnt had in years - ALIVE.  She changes her cheap phone to an iPhone that, i assume, i will pay for. Her posts get more and more advanced.  Longer.  She starts to get political.  The power of the internet has made her knowledge expand tenfold.  Instead of watching her favorite tv shows, she is surfing the internet looking for topics to discuss on Facebook. She starts to play games.  Silly games at first. Then Draw Something and Words with Friends.  Her monthly data plan goes from 1gb to 10gb overnight!  She cant stop. Facebook facebook facebook... 

Until suddenly Facebook goes down.  She crashes the server.  Facebook wasn't designed for 1 person to use sooo much of its resources.  For the first time in the company's history, Facebook goes dark. 

People start to realize that Facebook is down.  At first, people simply wait a bit and do something productive.. like work.  Within 5 hours, Facebook is still down.  The users take it to the internet asking questions on its status.  Message boards and forums get bombarded with status questions.  The billions of servers that Google has starts to lose it's battle and begins to crack.  The billions of questions of Facebook status puts a severe weight on Google's infrastructure.  Google is the first to go.  Then Yahoo.  People start to go to news websites like cnn.com and foxnews.com.  Eventually the traffic is too much and those sites go down as well.  

Within 24 hours, the entire internet goes down. After the cell carriers start to lose their signals from millions of people texting each other at once,  people start to do something they haven't done in years, pick up a land line telephone and call someone.  At first, this shows signs of improvement. People are able to communicate again.  But just like everything else, too much usage and down goes the phone lines. 

With now the internet and phone lines down, people start to take it to the streets.  Protests lead to riots.  Complete anarchy ensues the streets.  Terrorist take advantage of the situation and drop a nuclear EMP on the US and parts of Europe, destroying the power grids causing the power to go indefinite.  Backup power at major NATO military bases, deploy nuclear warheads to those countries resonsible.  A nuclear World War 3 breaks out blocking the sun's rays.  

Those that survived the nuclear attacks and fallout eventually die from starvation due to the blocked sun, leaving plant life dead causing animals to fall victim.  

Within 3 years, the human species is extinct.  

The morale of this story is simple.  DO NOT show your parents how to use a computer!!!! NEVER EVER!!


Comments

  1. Anonymous2:33 PM

    So flipping funny!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous5:58 PM

    Wow!!! That was awesome!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous8:39 PM

    OMG!!!! LMFAO!!!! and I am proud to say that yes, I was the one who signed her up & put her on FB, a feat I am proud of to this day!

    ReplyDelete

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