Skip to main content

Signs the apocalypse is near..

Thousands of years ago the Mayans were a civilization noted for their art, architecture, fully developed written language and mathematical and astronomical systems.  During this time they created a series of calendars and almanacs to figure out what the hell day it is and shit like that.  With some really confusing logic and symbols and long count and mathematics, this "calendar" is supposed to go into the next cycle December 21, 2012.  This apparently is a good thing to make it to the end of a cycle but scholars alike have noted the complete opposite and that this will be a doomsday event.  Once again.. another end-of-the-world date to look forward to.

So far in my lifetime i have been witness to quite a few of these so called doomday dates.  Haley's comet was a big one.. the only thing i remember is the movie. i think my parents were out getting loaded that night and i was stuck with a babysitter.  The next of course is Y2K which was when every computer in existence would stop working because idiots who invented these things didn't think to make the date bigger than 1999.  This is similar to the same logic to the architects of the Lincoln Tunnel and Rt3/Rt46 bottleneck apparently not thinking the population would grow tremendously around one of the biggest cities in the world. And then of course we had the religious nutjob Harold Camping who stated the following:

“God has given sooo much information in the Bible about this, and so many proofs, and so many signs, that we know it is absolutely going to happen without any question at all.”
He continues, “when we get to May 21 on the calendar in any city or country in the world, and the clock says about — this is based on other verses in the Bible — when the clock says about 6 p.m., there’s going to be this tremendous earthquake that’s going to make the last earthquake in Japan seem like nothing in comparison. And the whole world will be alerted that Judgment Day has begun. And then it will follow the sun around for 24 hours. As each area of the world gets to that point of 6 p.m. on May 21, then it will happen there, and until it happens, the rest of the world will be standing far off and witnessing the horrible thing that is happening.”

Its all here folks

And what happened on May 21, 2011 you ask.. nothing.. well.. a few weeks later after stating that his calculations were off, Harold had a stroke.  Unlucky lottery i suppose..

But now my friends i feel the time has come to say goodbye. All the signs are here.. and i dont mean the bizarre earthquake, hurricane and October blizzard we had this year  No folks i am talking about much more.  Here are some of those signs:

  • Justin Bieber gets sued about being a baby daddy and takes a paternity test which is finally proving that this little rugrat is getting lots and lots of ass.
  • Regis calls it quits after 136 years on tv
  • Kim Kardashian's sex tape is actually longer than her wedding
  • There are more and more Al Bart sightings which is a sure sign of the apocalypse
  • Oprah Winfrey retires becoming a billionaire doing, to be honest, i am not quite sure. 
  • Snookie is paid 32k to tell Rutgers students to 'Study hard and party harder'.. yeah bitches
  • Acid and stone wash jeans, flip brim hats, and the "tail" is all making a comeback
  • Denim diapers.. yes.. denim diapers. I am surprised Diesel didnt smack their logo on these and charge 425 bux
  • The Jersey Shore crashed landed in Italy and caused a Europe currency meltdown. Way to bring it. OH YEAHH
  • NKOTBSB.. yes you know it!  New Kids on the Block team up with Backstreet Boys for a summer tour.  Doesnt get any worse than this.. oh wait..
  • Good ol Charlie Sheen re-defined the term "winning" during his infamous meltdown and showed the world that having "tigerblood" has nothing to do with tigers or Tiger Woods.. in fact i dont know what it means.  But the word 'winning' now has a new definition:  One who is on top of the world only to get fired, make a complete fool of himself, start a cult, go on a Seinfeld-ish comedy tour about nothing, start all kinds of cool quotes and trends on twitter, make having 2 girlfriends NOT COOL, apologize later to the world for his crazy antics and finally to be replaced at your job by somebody who has no talent whatsoever.. now thats winning
  • Tiger Woods spends more time on the tabloids than he does on the golf course. You know things arent looking good when the new "guy" is a 20 something freckly white kid with an accent. 
  • Twilight saga comes to an end.. This of course may be the biggest sign that the world is ending. I mean what will we do in life without a dead creature stalking a pale white girl with men who turn into werewolves fighting one another.  The world cannot last without Edward.
  • Americans selfishly borrowing money for a car, home, the latest and greatest iPhone, a new Xbox, the  Star Wars box set on Blu-ray, that new pair of Back to the Future nikes on sale on ebay, season tickets to their favorite team, bottles and bottles of their favorite liquor while partying it up VIP at their favorite clubs all while living under the roofs of their parents house and not being able to pay back the money. Then blaming the same banks that lent them the money because the banks are selfish and instead of looking for a job to be responsible and pay back the debts they built they charge some tents and other camping shit and take up space in a park in NYC starting a movement.  Occupy this …………………./´¯/)
    ……..(’(…´…´…. ¯~/’…’)
    ……….”…\………. _.•´
  • and last but not least..... I will be a father!! 

Follow me on my blog bitches!


Popular posts from this blog

My Justin Timberlake Experience .. and my shameful beer snob status

I have seen some great legends live in concert over the years.  Paul McCartney, Billy Joel, One Direction - to name a few.  But one in particular - Mr Justin Timberlake aka Justin Bart or JB as he goes by - was one for the ages. 

I got to enjoy this spectacular human with my beard wife Rose last night at the Prudential Center, in the city of dreams, Newark NJ.

The Christmas Glitter Bomb

Its that time of year again.  A time when people and family members that you haven't talked to, well, since last Christmas, reach out with open arms and send you their annual Christmas card.  We took part this year as we now have a newborn.  We both felt obliged to show off our little one to everyone on our wedding list and beyond.  It felt nice.  It's more of a hey-look-how-cute-our-kid-is behind a Merry Christmas message.  Regardless, our card was a simple photo that did NOT have a surprise waiting as you opened up the envelope. A surprise that jumps out at you and says "SURPRISEEEEEE!!!oh and merry christmas"  I'm talking about the glitter bomb.  You all know who you are.  

The Perineal Massage..

My wife is approaching her 37th week of pregnancy.  Apparently, in your 37th week you are supposed to begin massaging your perineum.  "What's a perineum", you asked as so did i?  The perineum is basically the taint.  "Ahhhh.. ok.  I get it.  But massage it??", is what i asked.  Yes, massaging it helps with the pain when the baby crowns during childbirth.  "So just rub it or sumthin?" (in Chip Chipperson voice .. Opie and Anthony fans anyone??)  Not quite.. 
Here are the instructions on how to successfully massage your perineum: