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The Elf on the Shelf

Sometime around mid 2000s, I started to hear of something called The Elf on the Shelf.  A stuffed pixie Elf that hides in your house and haunts your dreams.  Cool.  Another gimmick probably created by 2 bearded men, wearing most likely red flannel shirts, a puffy vest jacket, ultra tight skinny jeans rolled up with a pair of black boots - probably Cole Haan - a side part and thick black framed glasses to complete the look, sitting at a bar in Brooklyn talking about how Santa never gave them what they wanted and how the Government is responsible.  During this discussion, Connor says to Brand, that Santa is over commercialized and needs to be replaced. After just recently seeing the movie Elf, Brand immediately suggested an Elf should bring presents to all kids.  Brand told Lacie who told Andrew who told Bryant who told Estella and just like that a Hipster star was born.  And these fuckers are rich and im not.. boo



Recent posts

The Couples Massage

The body massage is a wonderful thing.  If you take away all the weirdness / awkardness that comes along with it: a complete stranger slowly caressing and massaging your body with essential oils digging into your inner soul with their little hands and elbows as hypnotic trans-like music quietly fills the room as you lay completely nude with only a pair of underwear and a tiny sheet separating 'you' - all while being completely alone with just you and this complete stranger with the door shut,  then its actually quite wonderful.   Isn't it??

Now let's add another layer:  my wife laying next to me in the same room. Same setting.  Getting the same thing done as me, with a complete stranger of the opposite sex.   Chillaxing jazz, that's typically played during porn scenes, fills the awkward silence in the room.  Boww chicka bow wow.  Awk-warrdd.



I have gotten quite a few couple massages with the wife over the past couple years. I actually dont understand it as the logic …

My Pillow Confession to My Wife

Earlier this year, my wife bought a My Pillow as seen on TV.  There was a deal for 2 for 50. So she bought 6.  Go figure.  Apparently it was a really good deal and a really good pillow. 



If you have seen the commercials, which I am sure you have, you would be told that this is the greatest pillow ever made. The stuffing is revolutionary. The thickness is life changing.  The feel is shattering.  All from a man who looks like he is battling Tom Sellek for greatest mustache award.

So I tried the pillow earlier this year. It felt like my head was hitting the ceiling. It was way too big and thick for my liking. I woke up the next morning with a neck ache.  I threw that shit to pillow hell and went back to my old beat up feathery goddess of a pillow. 

Times have changed.. 

Recently, my wonderful pillow goddess has been somewhat overused and abused. Feathers were beginning to poke me at night and the re-fluffing just wasn't working anymore forcing her to almost lay as flat as my bed. Boo. I …

Total Eclipse of the Mind

It starts with a slight shade in the sky.  The animals will start to make their way into nocturnal journey thinking that dusk is coming.   Humans will have most likely found a spot they've staked out and put on their paper dark glasses to stare at the sky.  Birds will stop chirping.  Cows will stop mooing.  Bats and owls will awake.  Phones will be streaming tons of live vids to social media.  

As the moon appears to swallow the sun, humans will be smiling, staring, with little knowledge of what is happening behind it all.  Just as the moon completely covers the sun, it happens.  Unbeknownst to the 50's style 3d-glass wearers, tiny microbes in the lenses are activated by the one-time only ultra radiation being delivered from the sky's phenomenon, causing brain patterns of the lucky wearers to go astray. 

WTF is the tooth fairy anways??

My 5 year old lost her first tooth prompting Mom and Dad to go into panic mode on how to play the "Tooth Fairy".   My first thought was what would the Rock do in his terrible attempt, but somehow extremely successful attempt, at acting in which he played a buffed male Tooth Fairy.  But then I looked at my terrible Dad bod and put my head down in shame.  After 12 minutes of self deprecating caused depression, i snapped back and came to, putting my child to sleep with a giant stuffed tooth that hung at the end of her bed, with her tiny itsy bitsy tooth somehow lost inside.  She insisted it go on the end of her bed post rather than next to her or under her pillow.  We quickly realized she may be actually scared of this mythical creature known as the Tooth Fairy.  I know I would be.  It was then my wife cried.


The Beach - a short story from a father of 2

It starts with an idea: "Hey we should do the beach tomorrow?".  And then ends with "I am never going to the beach again"

When i was in my early 20s, we would get up early af and head on down to the beach with every intention of beating traffic. I would bring a towel to lay on and maybe some sunblock.  That was it. We would stay as long as we wanted to and leave whenever. Simple. 

Today things have changed.  I am now a father of 2 girls - ages 3 and 5 - and oh my has this process changed.  Here is my perspective of beach life now as the world's greatest Dad. 

It starts with my kids jumping on us at 6:30am.  From 6:30-7:30, we will fight with the kids to put their bathing suits on as they are running around the house like they just downed a bottle of crazy juice.  Shouts will fill the air and finally the children will get their suits on.  During this process, one of the kids will hit the other and then crying will ensue.  This is the time I usually go in the show…

My Dentist Experience

Ahhh.. the joys of going to the dentist. So many memories.  But this past visit was a doozy.   As I type this, half of my face is numb due to a "deep cleaning" i just had done.  I'm like the Kanye of bloggers.

So what happened?

I know some look at me and say 'dammmm!  he has the genes of an angel' when referring to my God-given beautiful looks.  But there is a hidden demon that is behind all this and its in my mouth.  Gross.  {insert pornographic homosexually fueled party line here}  I brush and floss but I have teeth and gums as a Brit that apparently need - and i stress NEED - to be cleaned every 6 months.  So given my crazy schedule of being an amazing father, husband, lover, best brother, most awesome son ever, project manager and part time blogger, I tend to fall off track hence leading to me getting a "deep cleaning".  Sounds dirrtyyy.

So what the hell is a deep cleaning?