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3 simple chores in life that confuse me

There are some things in life that seem simple everyone can do. No questions asked. However, as good as I am at doing them, I still am not quite sure I am doing them well or even the correct way.

Here are 3 simple everyday things in life that I do but not sure correctly.

Filling the Dishwasher Seems simple. Nice try. Scholars and PHD students have written thesis on this topic: How to properly load a dishwasher. Nobody knows. And if you think you know, you dont. Why? Cause there is no dam manual for this shit. Just put xx on top rack and yy on bottom rack and squeeze all that shit in until it fits.

There is a bunch of poles that stick up in the air indicating that a plate or bowl or something should go there. Now in what order and how you do it to make it fit has challenged couples for years and even caused divorce in some — only an assumption.


I am pretty sure there are books out there on the correct process to load a dishwasher so that every item inside gets an equal balance of godlin…
Recent posts

Cinco de America

Imagine in Germany, every year on President’s Day, Germans celebrating American’s forefather’s birthday. Not only are they celebrating their birthdays but the birth of our country, our heritage, our freedom. 
Imagine these Germans drinking olde Ale and hazy IPAs out of giant Statue of Liberty shaped glasses, decked out in red, white and blue flair rocking white curly hair wigs speaking in 19th century Old English wearing “Ben Franklin specs”.
Stephan says to Dieter in his best Lincoln impression “Four score and seven years ago” and raises his Statue of Liberty in the air while 80s hair bands blast out of the speakers of the huge outside Biergarten as his white wig shifts slightly revealing sweaty dark black hair beneath. Germans around raise their Statue of Liberties and cheers to American Freedom as they bump their hands and heads to Steven Perry’s Oh Sherrie wearing smiles from ear to ear. One of the wigs falls off an endearing patron. 
Suddenly a small cheer is heard from across the B…

Home Alone and how the McCalister's are the worst parents ever

Home Alone, the quintessential Christmas movie that never grows old.  Christmas Vacation and Home Alone are always battling against each other for more air time in our household starting on Thanksgiving. (Lets be honest. Thanksgiving is only to say Thanks that Christmas season has started!

As I am now in my 40s, God that's hard to say, and have a family of my own, I see Home Alone quite differently as I recall as a youth.  For one, Kevin McCalister's Mom and Dad are assholes. Like big smelly ones. They officially win the Worst Parent Award. They should be drinking out of World's Worst Mom/Dad coffee mugs with poopy faces and smug smiles. 

As an adult, I see Kevin as a bratty little kid who just wants to be loved. His parents are clearly not focused on him at all and only care about themselves. I mean who sits in first class eating caviar and stealing REAL silverware while 12 other kids are by themselves in random seats with random strangers on an 8hr flight from Chicago to P…

Merry Christmas - A Christmas Story and its prejudice against the elderly

My favorite Christmas song of all time goes to Nat King Cole's "A Christmas Song". The music and that voice. 

The song makes me wish I was sitting by a warm fire, bourbon barrel aged stout in hand, preferably 6 months with maple syrup and chocolate, shawl collar cardigan in dark sable heather wrapped tightly over a merino wool salmon sweater finished with grey weekday warrior Bonobos pants, candy cane socks and a pair of brogue brown shoes while toasting to my beautiful sidekick Rose talking about memories past and future endeavors as our children sleep so perfect in bed.

The dimly lit room is masked by moving shadows as the burning fire leads this puppet show all over the walls. The paper snowflakes hanging above the mantle shimmer with fear from the wind of the fire as the embers get sucked up from above the chimney. And then it starts..

"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire" fills the room. That liquid, soothing voice, incandescent if you will, setting a magic sp…

Santa Baby #MenToo

About a month or so ago, I was going to write a blog on Baby Its Cold Outside and how im suprised that the #MeToo movement did not yet ban that song from existence. But then something magical happened and it wasn't our Elf on the Shelf, George, with the I'm-gonna-slash-your-throat-in-your-sleep grin magically appearing in new locations and sending messages to Santa Claus. Nor was it our Alexa listenening in on our every thought and sending it back to the Amazon Gods. No. No. A report came in that a radio stationed banned the song because it was an "ode to rape".  Rape. Thats harsh. Although the song does play like a Bill Cosby himself episode, it does have a nice melody and tune. I mean doesn't that count for something anymore?!  I mean who listens to lyrics anways, right Kanye West ?



So now that the Baby Its Cold banning begins, I wanted to flip the script on another ever-so-loving classic: Santa Baby -- A true example of how men are expected to buy women expensi…

That FB Stalker Experience

** this is a story based on true events. the names, locations and conversation have been altered to hide the identity of the individual **
"OMG!!  Danny!!  How are you?", can be heard from behind me while I wait in the long ass line at Chipotle.
I turn to see a girl smiling and uberly excited to see someone -- either me or the person in front of me whose name just so happens to be Danny. How cooincidental.
"Danny Bart!!  How are you?"
Well thats not coincidence, is it?? How many other Danny Bart's are there standing in line next to each other at Chipotles....
"Heyyyy", I say. Feeling really really uncomfortable at this first exchange. Who the fuck is this person? I start to panic internally. My mind moving at lightning speeds thinking of who this person is and how does she know me.  Is it Rose's friend?  Did i goto school with this person? Does she know my Mom? Are we grammar school friends? Does she read my blog?
and without me saying much more than &q…

May the 4th be with You -- An Ava Story

As the 6yr anniversary of my child's birthday creeps near, I cant help to think of one fascinating, mystifying, eeny, weeny, itsy, bitsy bit of information that was passed by my sometimes empty brain.  Ava, my oldest daughter, was born on May 4 --- which in the world of everything Holy is Star Wars Day aka May the 4th Be With You!




Ava's original bday was like May 16th (my Wife is totally shaking her head in disappointment because thats totally not the right date).  Ok.  May 14th. One of those.  And because she is so bad ass and wanted with all her might to meet her awesome parents, she decided it was time.  So 2 weeks early she made her entrance to this wonderful Earth making me unaware of my holy dates.

But that birth was not just any birth. Oh no siree.  There is a story -- like always -- i gotta tell (not like Biggie) on how the start of that wonderful 15 min of C-section hell for my wife came to be.