Friday, September 08, 2017

My Pillow Confession to My Wife

Earlier this year, my wife bought a My Pillow as seen on TV.  There was a deal for 2 for 50. So she bought 6.  Go figure.  Apparently it was a really good deal and a really good pillow. 



If you have seen the commercials, which I am sure you have, you would be told that this is the greatest pillow ever made. The stuffing is revolutionary. The thickness is life changing.  The feel is shattering.  All from a man who looks like he is battling Tom Sellek for greatest mustache award.

So I tried the pillow earlier this year. It felt like my head was hitting the ceiling. It was way too big and thick for my liking. I woke up the next morning with a neck ache.  I threw that shit to pillow hell and went back to my old beat up feathery goddess of a pillow. 

Times have changed.. 

Recently, my wonderful pillow goddess has been somewhat overused and abused. Feathers were beginning to poke me at night and the re-fluffing just wasn't working anymore forcing her to almost lay as flat as my bed. Boo. I have had this other wife for years now.  It was time to say goodbye. 

So, in search of a new pillow wife, i decided to give the My Pillow another chance.  I pulled her out of Pillow Hell and slept with her the first night.  

It was a rough one.  She was a bit tight at first, not giving in, being relentless, but finally she caved and got comfortable with my presence. 

I woke up the next morning and realized that she had spent the night. I quickly looked at my wife as she was sound asleep and thought did she realize i slept with My Pillow.  The same pillow that i made fun of her for over the last 5 months as she went on and on about how great he is and how happy he makes her feel.  As you can see, my wife and i have an open marriage. 




I said nothing the next morning. Not sure if she noticed. 

That next night I gave her another shot.  The first night wasnt so bad.  I talked to myself in the bathroom mirror just prior to getting in bed.  I got this, i said to myself as I prepared for another night of wild and crazy pillow love.  I was nervous. I am pretty sure she was too.  I layed down and something happened that had not happened in a very long time -- i fell asleep in like 30 seconds. 

This then happened over the next few days.  The My Pillow was not just becoming my Pillow wife but becoming my soul mate.  We were destined to be. 

So here's the confessional to my wife:  I fucking love the My Pillow. I think its the greatest thing since the Star Wars pajamas you bought me.  The fucking number one dad mugs you bought me. The mini NES you waited in line for to satisfy the man in your life.  Sid, my fucking iPhone!  Yes.. even Sid!!  I never thought I would say this but the My Pillow completes me. I sleep like i have never slept before.  If our "relations" is in jeopardy due to me falling asleep so quickly well then you are to blame for bringing this beautiful person in my life.   Or blame that wonderful man, with that beautiful mustache, who created such an amazing product. I want to run my fingers through his wonderful mustache and condition it and comb it.  I want to buy him more blue shirts that he can showcase during his amazing My Pillow commercials.  Thank you sir.  I salute you. And you win best mustache ever award!! 



Friday, August 18, 2017

Total Eclipse of the Mind


It starts with a slight shade in the sky.  The animals will start to make their way into nocturnal journey thinking that dusk is coming.   Humans will have most likely found a spot they've staked out and put on their paper dark glasses to stare at the sky.  Birds will stop chirping.  Cows will stop mooing.  Bats and owls will awake.  Phones will be streaming tons of live vids to social media.  

As the moon appears to swallow the sun, humans will be smiling, staring, with little knowledge of what is happening behind it all.  Just as the moon completely covers the sun, it happens.  Unbeknownst to the 50's style 3d-glass wearers, tiny microbes in the lenses are activated by the one-time only ultra radiation being delivered from the sky's phenomenon, causing brain patterns of the lucky wearers to go astray. 

Thursday, August 10, 2017

WTF is the tooth fairy anways??



My 5 year old lost her first tooth prompting Mom and Dad to go into panic mode on how to play the "Tooth Fairy".   My first thought was what would the Rock do in his terrible attempt, but somehow extremely successful attempt, at acting in which he played a buffed male Tooth Fairy.  But then I looked at my terrible Dad bod and put my head down in shame.  After 12 minutes of self deprecating caused depression, i snapped back and came to, putting my child to sleep with a giant stuffed tooth that hung at the end of her bed, with her tiny itsy bitsy tooth somehow lost inside.  She insisted it go on the end of her bed post rather than next to her or under her pillow.  We quickly realized she may be actually scared of this mythical creature known as the Tooth Fairy.  I know I would be.  It was then my wife cried.


Tuesday, August 01, 2017

The Beach - a short story from a father of 2

It starts with an idea: "Hey we should do the beach tomorrow?".  And then ends with "I am never going to the beach again"

When i was in my early 20s, we would get up early af and head on down to the beach with every intention of beating traffic. I would bring a towel to lay on and maybe some sunblock.  That was it. We would stay as long as we wanted to and leave whenever. Simple. 

Today things have changed.  I am now a father of 2 girls - ages 3 and 5 - and oh my has this process changed.  Here is my perspective of beach life now as the world's greatest Dad. 

It starts with my kids jumping on us at 6:30am.  From 6:30-7:30, we will fight with the kids to put their bathing suits on as they are running around the house like they just downed a bottle of crazy juice.  Shouts will fill the air and finally the children will get their suits on.  During this process, one of the kids will hit the other and then crying will ensue.  This is the time I usually go in the shower ;-) 

I will then go downstairs and make my way outside to pack the car. The kids will follow and the entire time i will say "Please dont touch that. Please dont go in the street.  Hellooo?  Are you listening to me" as i am trying to pack the 78 things that we bring with us to the beach. 

Somehow the following items will all fit nice and cozy in our CRV trunk:

Friday, July 28, 2017

My Dentist Experience




Ahhh.. the joys of going to the dentist. So many memories.  But this past visit was a doozy.   As I type this, half of my face is numb due to a "deep cleaning" i just had done.  I'm like the Kanye of bloggers.

So what happened?

I know some look at me and say 'dammmm!  he has the genes of an angel' when referring to my God-given beautiful looks.  But there is a hidden demon that is behind all this and its in my mouth.  Gross.  {insert pornographic homosexually fueled party line here}  I brush and floss but I have teeth and gums as a Brit that apparently need - and i stress NEED - to be cleaned every 6 months.  So given my crazy schedule of being an amazing father, husband, lover, best brother, most awesome son ever, project manager and part time blogger, I tend to fall off track hence leading to me getting a "deep cleaning".  Sounds dirrtyyy.

So what the hell is a deep cleaning?

Thursday, July 06, 2017

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY ALL!!

It started with an innocent invite from another group to showcase future business models within the company.  The problem was it was sent to potentially every IT employee in the company which equates to about 5,000.  An innocent mistake?  Who knows.  Maybe the intent is that everyone from IT should be aware of whats to come as it may have an impact on your job. 

For me, i simply saw the invite, read it through and thought this is definitely not something intended for me and ignored it.  The hashtag framed invite sad lonely in my MS Outlook calendar next to other happy black framed accepted invites.  Aint nobody got time for that. 

A month or so later, another invite.  I did the same -- ignored it and it went away.  The same the next month. 

Then, like a sad Unicorn looking for a rainbow on a bright sunny day, it happened.  The first email came from someone in Brazil.  It said "Please remove me from this. I don't believe this was intended for me."  And just like that a spark was born.  Like a tiny ember from a cigarette touching a dry withered blade of grass on a patch of dry land in the middle of a drought, a fire started.  The wind picked up and that bad boy went global and oh boy did it not stop. 

Following that first email from Brazil came 2 more.  Then 3. Then 5.  Suddenly everyone from around the world got in on the fun.  And within 10 minutes, my email inbox now had 55 unread emails requesting to be "kindly removed from this discussion". 

And then the rebuttal started..

Dear All,
Please do not reply all when replying.  You are emailing everyone on this invite.  
Thanks,
Idiotic Person who replied all
It was then a full on clash between those wanting to be removed from the invites and with those asking to stop replying all.  This battle went on for another 2 days with both sides getting some great jabs in.  

I was on vacation and came back to -- no joke -- 175 unread emails.  Most were conversations that took place between the correspondents stating the obvious "do not reply all" but yet replying all to tell everyone to not reply all. Because this makes sense.

I believe as i type there are still people replying all to tell everyone to stop replying all because replying all is clogging up all our emails.  Yet as this is going on, new people will jump in on the fun and reply all, to tell those that were replying all,  to stop replying all, and that they are also causing email clogs because they too are replying all, however they are also replying all to all.  Ya see the redundancy in this whole thing!  I am exhausted. 



Then came the do-gooders who want to show ALL by replying all that there is a way to block or ignore this conversation. One person showed his way. Another person showed their way. And then this battle went on for another 4 hours.  I am not sure who won that one. 

And as this is going on its visible to all of our VPs and SVPs and management in IT.  What a great way for visibility i thought so i decided to write the following:

Dear Reply-All People,
Every time you reply all, a kitten dies.  
Thanks in advance
Danny Bart 

That oughta do the trick. But wait, did i just kill a kitten??


One
 


Wednesday, June 21, 2017

65 Facts About the Legend Al Bart

Today is Solstice.  Its the longest day of the year.  Its also the day that the Universe decided to create the Legend Al Bart to bring uniform and structure to its elaborate and complicated framework known as life.  Papa Universe and Al Bart created God and the rest is history. 

In honor of his, allegedly, "65th" birthday (There is no number that exists to give a true age of Al Bart), these are 65 so-called true accounts of this Legendary creature known to many as Al Bart, but Father to me. 
  1. And on the first day Al Bart created God
  2. Al Bart can make fire by rubbing ice cubes together
  3. Al Bart does not sleep. He waits
  4. One time Al Bart built a snowman. Today this is known as Antarctica.
  5. Al Bart counted to infinity - twice
  6. Al Bart is the reason why Waldo is hiding
  7. Al Bart and Superman had a fight as a bet. The loser would have to wear his underwear outside his pants.
  8. Al Bart does not get frostbite. He bites frost.  
  9. Al Bart's shadow is scared of him
  10. When Al Bart jumps in a pool, he doesn't get wet.
  11. Al bart once kicked a horse in its chin. It's descendants are known today as giraffes
  12. Al Bart has a bear rug in his bedroom.....the bear's not dead...it's just afraid to move
  13. And on the first day Al Bart created God
  14. Bigfoot takes pictures of Al Bart when he sees him
  15. Al Bart used to walk 750 miles to school.. the school was only 10 miles away he walked the other 740 just for fun
  16. George Clooney once stated in an interview that Al Bart was his inspiration on looking good
  17. Al Bart is color blind. He only sees Awesome.
  18. I heard if you goggle find al bart that it says you don't find al bart he finds you
  19. One time Al Bart had dandruff, the result was the blizzard of 96
  20. Kids piss their name in the snow. Al Bart can piss him name in concrete
  21. Al Bart can make a snowman out of rain
  22. Al Bart once built 2 sandcastles. Today these are known as the Great Pyramids and Great Sphinx of Giza.
  23. Movie Trivia: James Cameron based the Terminator on Al Bart
  24. Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon. Al Bart was the first man to walk on the sun.
  25. When people see shooting comets, they are really seeing Al Bart run laps round the Earth
  26. Michelangelo modeled his famous structure David after Al Bart
  27. Al Bart can walk on water and swim on land
  28. My vasectomy did not work for me because i am Al Bart's son
  29. Bulletproof vests are not made of Kevlar. But really made out of Al Bart's skin.
  30. Al Bart doesn't flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it.
  31. Al Bart's ancestors walked to America from Poland.
  32. Al Bart can beat up his own shadow
  33. Millions of years ago when the Earth was 1 continent, Al Bart tripped clumsily over a dinosaur he had just slaughtered. This resulted in a massive shockwave which caused the land to split and form our continents.
  34. Al Bart can cut a knife with butter
  35. Al Bart doesn't do push-ups. Instead he pushes the Earth down beneath him.
  36. Al Bart wears sunglasses to avoid hurting the sun.
  37. Mosquitoes get Malaria when they bite Al Bart
  38. Al Bart has already traveled to Mars many many years ago. This is the reason there are no signs of life.
  39. Al Bart doesn't need to read books. He stares them down until gets the information he wants.
  40. Al Bart's brain waves are suspected to be harmful to cell phones
  41. One time Al Bart went for a run in Ireland. 17,435 miles later Al Bart was thirsty and hungry causing the Great Famine of 1845
  42. Moses didn't part the Red Sea. That is impossible. The truth is the Sea parted itself in fear when Al Bart tried to walk across it.
  43. The Hudson River was formed after Al Bart went on a beer bender that lasted 6 weeks causing him to have to pee really really really bad.
  44. Al Bart once threw a football 35 years ago. It still hasn't landed.
  45. Al Bart needs 176,876,431,996,675 batteries to run for 20 min.
  46. Al Bart will never have a heart attack as is heart is not foolish enough to EVER attack Al Bart.
  47. Al Bart was strolling through a desert one day when he was bitten by a snake. After 3 days of pain and suffering, the snake finally died.
  48. Al Bart doesn't wear a watch to tell time. Instead time watches him.
  49. Al Bart once slept for 5,337 days. When asked why he simply said "I was tired"
  50. The iron that makes Al Bart triggers the metal detectors at the airport. Hence why he never flies.
  51. When Al Bart works out he does not get stronger, the machine does.
  52. Stars are actually rocks that Al Bart threw into space when building Earth.
  53. The Big Bang Theory is actually a reference to when Al Bart was born.
  54. Only 1 being has tried the drug "Al Bart" and that was Superman.
  55. Al Bart is sooo cool that birds fly South when near him.
  56. Al Bart's blood has the cure for every disease. The problem is his skin is made of steel so it cannot be penetrated.
  57. Al Bart's diet consists of nothing but lions, tigers and bears in which he hunts and kills with his bare hands - oh my.
  58. Chuck Norris lost only 1 fight in his life and that was to Al Bart, whom was blindfolded at the time for fun.
  59. One time Al Bart sneezed while travelling the tall rigid mountains that made up the west. The sneeze was so strong it levelled the mountains causing today what we know as the "Great Plains"
  60. The real truth behind the legendary story -- and movie -- 300 is that Al Bart was a 1 man army who destroyed the 300 Spartans with 1 hand
  61. When Al Bart gets hungry his stomach rumbles. This is known as thunder.
  62. Al Bart doesn't breathe air.  He holds air hostage.
  63. Al Bart LOVES honey. So much that he just eats the bees whole. As a result, bees are now endangered.
  64. The only way to find out Al Bart's true age is to cut him open and count the rings.  However, his skin will break apart any blade attempting this. 
  65. Al Bart knows Victoria's Secret.   

Friday, April 14, 2017

The Old School Answering Machine Greeting

Before social media became a part of our everyday lives, there was something that can be attributed to the original Facebook profile:  The answering machine greeting.


Remember that ish?  For those born in the 90s and with cell phones in their hands, will never understand the cool factor the answering machine greeting played.  You also will never ever understand emergency breakthroughs or being on 3 way with a close friends that's a girl and her friend -- the girl you like -- and you quietly listening in like a ninja, unbeknownst to the girl, as your friend talks about how awesome you are at life and if she likes you.  Instead, you'll text the girl you like. Boo.



First things first, you needed to get your own phone line.  There is no way you can have that little hotty in home eck calling you for the first time, only to have Mom answer the phone.  FOH wit that shit.  Once you started getting hair in weird places, you needed your own phone line. Period. (pun intended) 

Once you got your sweet new cordless phone that most likely had a long metal antenna that would break every 2 months, you needed an answering machine.  This would be a large clunky device that took up way too much space for simple recording and playing messages.  The machine would most likely have a mini cassette and make very loud noises whenver it operated.  Regardless, once you got both you were good to go. 

Here is how it worked: 

1)  The song:  Pick an epic song.  Fast forward the cassette or CD to your favorite part.  This is the most important part. Ya couldn't just start your greeting with a song playing in a rando area.  Pleaaaase.  So once you found your perfect spot, you push play and then wait.   This is the part where the listener is like ohhhhh shit i love this song, OR is like what the fuck is this old played out shit.  This is why its sooooo important that you got this part right.  People will hang up. You don't want to be that guy.  After approximately 15-30 seconds of true music bliss, the mic is yours.



2) The greeting:  Just as Vanilla Ice finishes his first verse of Ice Ice Baby and breaks into chorus, you start to speak.  I would usually say something like this:

Yo, What's up this is Danny.  Leave a message and I'll get back to you.

in like a super suave, cool -- but not toooo cool -- kinda way.  (Like think R. Kelly smooth with Cisqo crazy)  I don't even say Yo but when it comes to the answering machine greeting, like Facebook, you could be whoever the hell you want!  That's the beauty of it.  Sometimes i would even throw in a 'Peace' at the end of my greeting because that's just how i roll.

 


3) The closing:  After the crowd pleasing greeting, you let that music play the fuck outta here until the greeting allowed time is up.  Shit if there is no max greeting time, then you let that mutha play for at least another minute if its good.

This is it.  Its that simple. 

You would know if you struck gold by a) people commenting on your greeting in their message  or people waiting through the entire greeting and then hanging up when it beeps. You'll know its awful if nobody is calling you anymore.

Those who knew me back in the day would know that this was my original youtube channel as I would use the greeting for my funny shtick by singing songs and doing funny shit.  This is another one of my Al Bundy moments of my childhood.  Dam it sucks being old.

Yo. This is Danny. Im outta here..  Peace

beeeeeeep..

Sunday, March 12, 2017

No Alexa!

You are sitting with your significant other watching TV.  The kids are asleep and this is your alone time with the spouse to rebuild that loving relationship you once had by doing something that every couple should do: watch TV.  So there you are watching your favorite TV show; whether it be Homeland, The Bachelor, or This is Us, and then it happens.  Just as This is Us drops another tear jerking moment making it the most depressing show in the history of television, you hear a voice telling you that there is no special order placed for Avocadoes in your shopping cart.  Startled, and wiping tears, you look at your significant other and immediately move both sets of eyes to the table to the far right of the room where Amazon Echo Dot sits quietly.  You shout "NO ALEXA", sigh and then rewind a few seconds back in your show to what you missed.  10 minutes later it happens again. This time during a silence break in the show due to another tear wrenching moment that happens to the worst family in TV.  "I'm sorry.  I do not understand your question."  After realizing that ghosts did not suddenly take over your soul and pushing your throbbing heart back down your throat, you once again scream "NO ALEXA" from across the room.  Alexa lights up a beautiful pulsing blue hue indicating she understands and then silences -- just like most females. 

Alexa is the voice behind Amazon's Echo -- that wonderful little device that is supposed to change your life by playing your favorite songs by simply saying "Alexa?  Play Justin Bieber's Let Me Love You".  Life changing indeed {sarcasm face looking to the right}  Who would have thought that in 2017 we would have technology that can actually play a song or tell us the weather by simply asking it.  Wow.  {sarcasm face to the left}  But what Amazon does not realize is that there little darling Alexis is a stupid Bitch who understands nothing at all.   Tell her to play something and chances are she will play something completely different forcing you to scream obscenities, only to have her then try to add that to your Amazon cart.  Sigh.  Its becoming more evident that Alexa is here to spy on us and/or scare the living shit out of us.  Maybe both. But dam can she tell me the weather in 2 seconds flat!

Here is a fun story of how Alexa's spying and terrible listening skills can get a family in BIG trouble:

One day John wanted to work from home to get his upcoming presentation completed. He was under the gun and had a huge amount of pressure on his shoulders to get this done.  The house was completely empty; just him and his computer -- and Alexa.  Kids were at school.  Wife was at work.  Perfect.  He wanted to hear some light jazz to relax him while he worked on his presentation.  He began to talk out loud, practicing some of his key messages he wanted to deliver.  Suddenly, Alexa jumps to life and says "I can add that to your shopping cart if you like.  Want me to add it?"  Scared and confused by the sudden woman interruption, John screams "What the?"  Alexa then responds "Your item Utimi 10 Speed Silicone USB Charging Vibrating Butt Anal Plug Prostate Vibrator has been successfully added to your cart."  John's eyes widen.  "WHAT???" , he screams.  Forgetting about his speech and the fact that he is on his work computer which has a pretty heavy firewall and security on specific website viewing -- specifically sex items,  John quickly logs into his Amazon account.  He sees the Utimi 10 Speed Silicone USB Charging Vibrating Butt Anal Plug Prostate Vibrator  in his shopping cart with Free Prime 2 day delivery.  Its black by the way.  He quickly removes it from his shopping cart, but in doing so clicks the open button. This then changes his screen to a completely white screen with a message from his company's security team stating in big red letters:  "This is RESTRICTED from viewing on company devices.  This has been reported to your management."  John freaks and starts to make phone calls to anyone he can at his work.  Why did I work home today, he thinks to himself.  Fucking Alexa!!!

Meanwhile, Jackie, John's wife, gets a message on her phone that an item has been added to her Amazon account.  There, on the screen, is a picture of a giant black 10 speed silicone USB charging vibrating butt anal plug prostate vibrator.  The problem is,  she is using new technology to mirror her phone on a large conference that she was presenting at.  She had a couple fun pictures to show to the team from a big event that her company sponsored last month.  Just as she was going to her pictures, a giant black 10 speed silicone USB charging vibrating butt anal plug prostate vibrator pops up on her screen indicating that this special item has been added to her Amazon account shopping cart.   She freaks, tries to get it to go away but instead makes it bigger.  Gasps are heard on the phone and in the room.  A very red, embarrassed Jackie is now utterly responsible for losing potentially a large client that she was presenting to.  Within hours, she is fired from her company.

John, on the other hand, is arguing with HR about the Alexa gaffe.  He persists it was not his fault but HR is not buying it.  They are using him as an example to others that they don't tolerate any type of pornography viewing on the work computers.  He is also fired from the company that he helped build. 

With his head down, Jackie bolts through the door screaming "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!  A BLACK DILDO!!!  REALLY JOHN??  HAVEN'T WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS!"   John is beat red and embarrassed of his sketchy past of occasionally tinkering with such special devices.  This was way before children and was always a sore subject with his wife.   "I swear. It was Alexa.  I am done with that stuff.  You know that!" in which his wife says "WHO THE FUCK IS ALEXA!!  GET OUT NOW!!" 

And as John is opening the door to leave, a voice comes to life from across the room "Would you like to call you a Taxi?"  NO ALEXA!!!!

Friday, January 27, 2017

Party Pooper Potty Talk


It happened. Somehow, some way the potty talk started.  What was once beautiful vocabulary coming out of my 3 and 4 year old girls' mouths like "Daddy is great", "Daddy is amazing", "We Love Daddy", has suddenly shifted to poo poo and pee pees and butts and poopy heads.

At first I laughed.  It was funny and I thought actually quite clever.  My oldest daughter took the phenomenally catchy yet somehow annoying Flo Rida's My House lyrics and instead of "Welcome to my house", she changed it to "Welcome to my Butt".  Fucking hysterical.  We all laughed triggering her to do this for another 72 hours nonstop.  The joke got old but it was still dam funny.

The problem is the song never went away.  It was played on every pop station for months to come.  Eventually, the word "butt" -- a gateway profanity drug for sure -- slowly was replaced with other dam clever words like "Welcome to my Pee Pee", "Welcome to my smelly underwear", "Welcome to my Poopy Pants", you get the point.  And again, this continued for months to come.

It was cute at first, funny and somehow deviant. Our little girl was using child profanity to amuse us and her little sister.  However, then our younger one started saying shit like "Daddy your a poopy head" triggering the older child to laugh hysterically. And just like their Daddy, when someone laughs you continue to do it until its completely played out! Both kids would then take up this type of name calling -- usually me or each other -- whenever they got in silly mode (which is usually all the time).  Like human nature, it is only natural to be inventive and creative and add more funny words to already funny sayings.  So I went from being a "poopy head" to a "silly, smelly, ugly underwear pee pee poopy head".  I mean it doesn't even make sense! 

And because of this, my wife and I finally threw in the Bart towel. I mean, if you are going to use bad words, at least make it make sense!!   Kidding.  When we started to suspect that they were now using this new found phenomenal list of words to bring to their classmates at school, we were like "Nuh uh"; we were not gonna be the parents of "those kids".  And so mean Daddy -- as always -- started to yell -- as always -- about not using those words ever.  The corner in our house began to get a bit busy as it was their new occupancy whenever a butt or a pee pee was uttered.

I am not sure how it happened or when it did, but our little smart potty mouthed Divas, found a loophole.  Like fucking fancy Floridian lawyers representing high profile clients, they found a teeny tiny way to get out of trouble:  not speaking potty talk -- but still speaking it. That word is:

Party Pooper

And all i can say is: Genius.  Technically I cannot yell at them for saying Party Pooper. Can I?  Not sure who said it first but now the both of them chatter that word every now and then, immediately looking at us quickly to make sure it is ok.  When they realize Dad is not gritting his teeth, they then start to call each other party poopers.  Sighh. I am pretty sure that they really think that someone will poop at a party hence making it disgustingly funny. It reminds me of the hysterical Flula "Jenny poops at the party" German video -- see here.



So as of today, party poopers is officially banned from the Bart household as well.  What was a nce innocent word, naturally, turned into "stinky smelly party poopers".  Yes i am what i preach - a party pooper.  Next one of them will start calling me an Ass Hole because technically they are 2 separate words that mean 2 different things. Right?  Ah what the fuck do i know. I am just a party pooper.

One

Saturday, January 07, 2017

Nate the Stomach Bug

On January 5, 2 days after Ava -- our 4 year old -- went back to school after being off for 2 weeks for the holidays, she met a young boy named Nate.

Nate was funky looking, like think the Fly  --- but at the end when he's all fucked up looking. Shit still gives me nightmares.  ---  meets that science project you had when you were in high school to look at cheek swabs in a microscope.  That bad.  But Ava does not judge.  Besides, we did not raise her that way. She's a Bart for Christ's sake.




Now some would call Nate a "virus" but we don't label in the Bart household because that's just not right.  So instead we call Nate a young boy from a broken home.

Sometime over the holidays, Nate befriended a young boy at her school and then quickly made friends with his sister.  We will call this young boy "Patient 0" and the sister "The Carrier".  The Carrier came to school but Patient 0 stayed home as he was so sad of seeing Nate leave that he had to throw up repeatedly and even shit himself because he was just that sad.  The Carrier, unbeknownst to her or others, took Nate with her to school where he quickly befriended many people including my precious Ava.  When The Carrier realized that Nate had came and gone, she too had to throw up all over herself and others because she was just sooo upset he had to leave.  Nate is a motha fucking balla for sure. 



And so 2 days ago, our beautiful Princess brought home a boy that we would never approve of.  The day has come and there she is standing at the doorway with Nate.  Something I never thought would happen in our household.  Nate was so happy to be a part of this family that he quickly dumped Ava (as expected) like he did with Patient 0 and The Carrier and has moved on in hopes to befriend others in our household.  Ava was soooo upset that Nate dumped her that she too is now throwing up repeatedly and shitting herself.  But now Nate is nowhere to be found.  He is like a lost puppy to my daughter but a scary nightmare lurking and trying to steal our dreams to my wife and I.  Ellie, my 3 year old, does not realize what the hell is going and just wants to eat anything and everything in site.

We had heard stories of others like Nate who would come into people's houses during the holidays and steal their hopes and dreams of enjoying the wonderful break with loved ones. We felt bad for so many impacted and thought nah not us.  But the time has come. Nate is here and is missing somewhere in my home.



So as Nate is MIA and Ava is showing signs of improvement, the wait happens.  Who will Nate befriend first?  Will it be my precious, always starving Ellie?  Or will it be my wife who succumbs to boys labeled "viruses" all too often.  OR.. will it be me who usually beats all odds and puts up a wonderful fight that would make Rousey fans proud?  We shall see.



In the meantime, here is what is going down..   Anything that goes in my mouth (oh stop it you potty minded individuals) I think " Will I be violently singing to the porcelain Gods later" or "Will I be sitting on the throne making waterfall sounds?",  or both at the same time, like a mustached-robe-wearing swinger? Anytime my wife has to use the little girls room, I listen for violent screams and prayers.  So far nothing.  Anytime my innocent and always hungry Ellie asks for more food, I think "Oh great.  She is just going to be throwing up all this food all over her bed, room, rug, bathroom and us, all night long".  And so we sit here and wait for Nate like we are waiting for a nuclear bomb to go off and have nowhere to run to.  Just sitting here and waiting as the sounds of nonstop washer and dryers play in the background and the house smells of chemically flower enhanced Lysol with a slight tinge of Rose's famous chicken soup.  And yet we wait.  The plus is its snowing but this also means we are all trapped in this house for Nate to come and kill us all.   And yet we wait.. God help us...

Tuesday, January 03, 2017

Thank you 2016

As 2016 comes to a close, I sit back and think how much this year made an impact on my life.  Most people have already shunned this year off after the death of Prince and other famous celebrities, but for me it was more of an inviting year and one to put my life into perspective.

In August I had shoulder surgery due to a stupid attempt at Brazilian jiu jitsu.  It sounded cool at the time so i gave it a try.  6 classes in and I am in the hospital.  Stupid me.  Prior to this i was probably in the best shape of my life competing in races, power lifting, male modeling (kidding).  The fact is I was killing it with my personal goals. Work, however was a different story.  I was very stressed with work and as a way to combat stress i would workout which would make me feel happy -- sorta like a drug.  And as a result my family would never see me.  And this is the problem.

This surgery opened up a whole new realization that none of the shit you lift over your head, the hill you are trying to climb while holding steadily a bucket of rocks, the super low barbed wire you are shimmying underneath trying not to get cut, none of this shit matters.  At the end of the day, who gives a shit if you took 35th out of 5000 people in a goofy cultish race.  I am not making money off any of it.  Who gives a shit if I benched 250 for 2 reps. I am 38.. how does this matter!?   And so I started to realize that this was the time to start helping more around the house, start being a better husband and doing what I can to take the load of my wife who literally does EVERYTHING and never ever complains.  Time to stop caring about myself and looking at my family first.  And so that was the perspective that 2016 gave me.  Not only did the surgery help repair my broken shoulder, but also it helped repair my broken self.

Through this great experience I still see my children as 2 beautifully and wonderfully annoying little girls but yet i embrace it and i appreciate it because this is life and this is the shit you are supposed to care about!  And as for work, well I work for an awesome company that allows me to work from home a few days a week.  This certainly takes some stress off me as I am not sitting in traffic and certainly not rushing home to the gym.  Instead I am home when the kids come home from school and already have dinner prepared for them.  This is more important and surprisingly way less stressful.  And as for the gym, I go when around my family schedule and not the other way around. 

Besides enjoying family time, this surgery also allowed me to open my creative doors and get me out of my writing block that I have been in for most of the year, allowing me to open up a whole new writing world for me. I love nothing more than to write about the shit that goes on in my life and try to make it upbeat and funny.  Some of it works, most doesn't.  There is nothing better than to go back and read our life in perspective.  Its pretty awesome and yet i know that someday some mean girl is going to torment Ava because of a blog i wrote.  God i hope not.

So I end 2016 with this:  Shit happens for a reason. Through the bad we see good.  Let's rebuild and make 2017 the best year everrrrrr. 

PS -- this was the least non funny blog i have ever written and promise I will never ever write like this again.

ONE

Tuesday, December 06, 2016

My Disney on Ice Experience

As a child, I had dreams and visions of seeing that giant truck, Bigfoot, crushing cars with its HUGE wheels in its path as the main event at the Monster Truck Rally.  This never happened.  And so as an adult, I had dreams of taking my sons to see Bigfoot at the Monster Truck Rally. This never happened either.  Instead, God gave me 2 girls and as a result, I had the opportunity to see Disney on Ice instead -- Princess edition!  A Princess crushed my Bigfoot dreams.   Let it go.


That car under Bigfoot's wheel is like my soul. Crushed.

Where to begin..


LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...