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May the 4th be with You -- An Ava Story

As the 6yr anniversary of my child's birthday creeps near, I cant help to think of one fascinating, mystifying, eeny, weeny, itsy, bitsy bit of information that was passed by my sometimes empty brain.  Ava, my oldest daughter, was born on May 4 --- which in the world of everything Holy is Star Wars Day aka May the 4th Be With You!




Ava's original bday was like May 16th (my Wife is totally shaking her head in disappointment because thats totally not the right date).  Ok.  May 14th. One of those.  And because she is so bad ass and wanted with all her might to meet her awesome parents, she decided it was time.  So 2 weeks early she made her entrance to this wonderful Earth making me unaware of my holy dates.

But that birth was not just any birth. Oh no siree.  There is a story -- like always -- i gotta tell (not like Biggie) on how the start of that wonderful 15 min of C-section hell for my wife came to be.

Recent posts

WTF is the Easter Bunny anyways??

As the story goes, Jesus was crucified on a Friday that we now call Good Friday.  Should be renamed "Terrible Friday", but hey what do I know.  Then, 2 days later, Jesus rose from the grave like Beatrix Kiddo aka "The Bride" from Kill Bill.  I'm not comparing The Bride to Jesus, but she's pretty dam close.  This celebratory day is known as Easter, not Good Sunday?  Weird. 



2018 years later, we now hide plastic colored eggs filled with candy and color hard boiled chicken eggs.  Yes.  Chicken eggs.  Then a giant bunny, straight up from Donnie Darko, comes to your home to hide the eggs, haunt your dreams and deliver baskets filled with chocolates.   Weirder.  WTF is going on??

My Justin Timberlake Experience .. and my shameful beer snob status

I have seen some great legends live in concert over the years.  Paul McCartney, Billy Joel, One Direction - to name a few.  But one in particular - Mr Justin Timberlake aka Justin Bart or JB as he goes by - was one for the ages. 

I got to enjoy this spectacular human with my beard wife Rose last night at the Prudential Center, in the city of dreams, Newark NJ.




The Elf on the Shelf

Sometime around mid 2000s, I started to hear of something called The Elf on the Shelf.  A stuffed pixie Elf that hides in your house and haunts your dreams.  Cool.  Another gimmick probably created by 2 bearded men, wearing most likely red flannel shirts, a puffy vest jacket, ultra tight skinny jeans rolled up with a pair of black boots - probably Cole Haan - a side part and thick black framed glasses to complete the look, sitting at a bar in Brooklyn talking about how Santa never gave them what they wanted and how the Government is responsible.  During this discussion, Connor says to Brand, that Santa is over commercialized and needs to be replaced. After just recently seeing the movie Elf, Brand immediately suggested an Elf should bring presents to all kids.  Brand told Lacie who told Andrew who told Bryant who told Estella and just like that a Hipster star was born.  And these fuckers are rich and im not.. boo



The Couples Massage

The body massage is a wonderful thing.  If you take away all the weirdness / awkardness that comes along with it: a complete stranger slowly caressing and massaging your body with essential oils digging into your inner soul with their little hands and elbows as hypnotic trans-like music quietly fills the room as you lay completely nude with only a pair of underwear and a tiny sheet separating 'you' - all while being completely alone with just you and this complete stranger with the door shut,  then its actually quite wonderful.   Isn't it??

Now let's add another layer:  my wife laying next to me in the same room. Same setting.  Getting the same thing done as me, with a complete stranger of the opposite sex.   Chillaxing jazz, that's typically played during porn scenes, fills the awkward silence in the room.  Boww chicka bow wow.  Awk-warrdd.



I have gotten quite a few couple massages with the wife over the past couple years. I actually dont understand it as the logic …

My Pillow Confession to My Wife

Earlier this year, my wife bought a My Pillow as seen on TV.  There was a deal for 2 for 50. So she bought 6.  Go figure.  Apparently it was a really good deal and a really good pillow. 



If you have seen the commercials, which I am sure you have, you would be told that this is the greatest pillow ever made. The stuffing is revolutionary. The thickness is life changing.  The feel is shattering.  All from a man who looks like he is battling Tom Sellek for greatest mustache award.

So I tried the pillow earlier this year. It felt like my head was hitting the ceiling. It was way too big and thick for my liking. I woke up the next morning with a neck ache.  I threw that shit to pillow hell and went back to my old beat up feathery goddess of a pillow. 

Times have changed.. 

Recently, my wonderful pillow goddess has been somewhat overused and abused. Feathers were beginning to poke me at night and the re-fluffing just wasn't working anymore forcing her to almost lay as flat as my bed. Boo. I …

Total Eclipse of the Mind

It starts with a slight shade in the sky.  The animals will start to make their way into nocturnal journey thinking that dusk is coming.   Humans will have most likely found a spot they've staked out and put on their paper dark glasses to stare at the sky.  Birds will stop chirping.  Cows will stop mooing.  Bats and owls will awake.  Phones will be streaming tons of live vids to social media.  

As the moon appears to swallow the sun, humans will be smiling, staring, with little knowledge of what is happening behind it all.  Just as the moon completely covers the sun, it happens.  Unbeknownst to the 50's style 3d-glass wearers, tiny microbes in the lenses are activated by the one-time only ultra radiation being delivered from the sky's phenomenon, causing brain patterns of the lucky wearers to go astray.